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“Ahhhheeeeeee!” I cried. “My precioussss, it is,” I hissed, cuddling the bundle of panties to my chest as I scurried to the corner.
“You are not Gollom and this is not The Lord of the Panties!” my late wife commanded. “Now spill it, what are you up to?”
She was soon satisfied that I was not going to put all of her panties on a rope and hang them up across the entrance to the driveway. I simply wanted to count how many she owned. For purely scientific reasons, I might add.
I suppose there could also have been a hidden desire to snoop in her underwear drawer, but I’ll never admit it.
The whole thing is my doctor’s fault. While waiting in his office I always catch up on his latest supply of outdated magazines. Last week one of them had a one-page report in it called the Panty Poll.
For some odd reason (yeah right), it caught my eye. I had the lovely receptionist, eyeing me suspiciously, copy the page for me so I wouldn’t get caught ripping it out, and I tucked it safely away.
The poll stated that a reliable survey of American women 18 and older found that they own an average of 21 pairs of underwear. Nothing earth shaking or overly revealing about that fact, in and of itself, but the poll did dig a bit deeper.
Some men may be disappointed to hear it, but it said that 46% usually wear briefs, not bikinis. It did not say why, but I’m guessing that bikinis might tend to creep up on you more than briefs.
Not that I’d know, no, not me.
It seems that 25% of women have at least one pair that they would be mortified for someone to see, either on them or in the drawer. Even my sainted mother-in-law admitted that one of her 29 pairs of panties is reserved for when her bottom will be immersed in garden muck, and is not suitable for any other occasion.
Funny, as a kid you are always preached at not to wear embarrassing undies in case you get hauled to the hospital. Maybe our elders were at least partially talking more about clean ones than ragged ones.
27% of women say that their mood has been affected by wearing ugly underwear. Maybe us men should make it a point of bringing our women pretty panties instead of candy or flowers, for we are directly affected by mood swings.
30% complain that underwear rides up. See the bikini remark above for my idea on the subject.
56% fold their underwear before they put it away. The rest are in a bad mood from wearing ugly, mustard colored panties and can’t be bothered with any stupid folding.
45% say that the worst undergarment offense is panties that stick out of clothing. I call that a big “DUH RALPH!” Contrary to popular opinion, we do not want to see your panties poking out of your clothes.
Only 10% of American women will admit to going out of the house without underwear. I think most of them are famous and want to be even more famous.
One well known term we have to thank panties for is pantywaist, one of my favorite words used to call a sissy a sissy.
A pantywaist actually used to be a child’s undergarment that consisted of a shirt and pants buttoned together at the waist. It no longer exists, no doubt due to the humiliation that would accompany any poor child caught dead in one.
My late wife, proud owner of 24 pairs of underwear, had a very annoying habit that flat out, dare I say it, put my panties in a bunch.
When the occasion arose, which it did quite often after I made the mistake of letting her know that it galled me, she loved to refer to my manly underwear as “panties.”
Oh, the indignity.
I decided to pay her back by walking into the living room the next time we had company with a pair of her panties on my head. It worked marvelously, goggle eyes competing with gaping mouths for supremacy.
Ahhh, victory is sweet.