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Musings from Moyieboy ... |
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The versatile beard: baby toy, jowl
hider and more |
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September 12, 2017 |
By Ken Carpenter
Beards can be many things to many people. Some
may be driven wild by the itch of them while
others can become mad from the itch of a sweaty
bald face.
They can be dignified or repulsive, possibly
depending on if any pets are living in them. A
bearded woman pretty much has her future mapped
out for her, next to the Amazing Lizard Faced
Boy.
There are a bunch of reasons a man might choose
to wear a beard. They are dandy for covering up
double chins, which don't much like to be shaved
anyway. Not that I would know, or admit it if I
did.
Jowls in the early stages can be masked also,
but if allowed to grow they will eventually
drive the beard into submission, giving it a
mossy appearance.
I grew my beard many years ago because I am just
possibly the world's worst shaver, and I prefer
my hamburger to be in a bun, not in my mirror.
Babies and puppies love beards, and will use
them as chewing and yanking toys if given the
opportunity. Many times my sons would get a
death grip on my whiskers and howl with glee as
they jerked my face to and fro, enjoying it all
the more when the tears poured from my eyes.
I soon learned to keep it trimmed, and they soon
learned to get a good bite on it, the better to
pull it out by the roots. I was supremely happy
when they turned their destructive talents to
choking GI Joes.
The Egyptians, ho hum, were the first guys to
shave, as early as 3000 BC. I'm sure that was
great sport. Schick was not up to par in the old
days.
After they invented shaving, the kings and
queens inexplicably started wearing fake beards
if they really wanted to look regal. It is not
known if a large nose and glasses were attached.
The popularity of beards bounced up and down
through the ages until, in the years following
the war of 1812, the true martyr of all bearded
fellows made his stand.
In those days beards were not worn in the
Eastern U.S., not by anyone but one Joseph
Palmer. His long, flowing beard inspired
children to ridicule him, women to go around the
block to avoid him, and men to pitch rocks
through his windows. Obviously there was not
much to do in those days.
Four men jumped him one day and attempted to
whack off his beard. This did not set well with
the normally gentle man, so he gave them a good
thumping.
Soon after this he was arrested for assault, and
he spent over a year in jail because he refused
to shave his beard and nobody else was able to
do so. He came from bullheaded stock, it might
be said.
Eventually his jailers begged him to go home,
and he refused. One day they picked him up in
his chair and carried him and his beard into the
street, washing their hands of him.
Not long after that he started up an asylum for
the lost and other men with beards. He died in
1875 and his gravestone says; "Persecuted for
wearing the beard". I assume he died content,
and I am sure his treasured beard did.
Beards now seem to be accepted in all walks of
life, though it is not that uncommon to find
those who seem a tad suspicious of men of the
bearded persuasion.
We really aren't trying to hide anything in
there, and contrary to popular opinion we don't
use it to pack around snacks for later.
Most of us, anyway.
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