Halloween survival guide

Before every Halloween, the media is filled with articles and advice on safety; wear bright clothing, travel in groups, check your candy before you eat it, and on and on.

But no respectable media, to my knowledge, has ever offered the tips that truly matter to most of us, until now.

Please read them carefully, and memorize them, if possible, before you go out into the darkness on Halloween. Better yet, don't let your children out until they, too, have them memorized and taken them to heart.

• When it appears that you have "killed" the monster, never ever check to see if it is really dead.

• Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.

• If you're searching for something that caused a noise and find out it's just the cat, leave the area immediately if you value your life.

• If you find a town that looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.

• If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior, such as hissing, developing a sudden fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.

• If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.

• As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

It’s the hope of this respectable journal that these seldom thought of and rarely enunciated tips will ensure that you and yours enjoy a safe and enjoyable All Hallow’s Eve, a time when the door to the netherworld is opened just enough for the souls of the dead and other beings such as fairies, ghouls, goblins and zombies, to come into our world and mingle briefly with the living.

That’s not to say you shouldn’t also observe the safety tips more mundane in nature; they’re important, too.

Members of Boundary Volunteer Ambulance and North Bench Fire are teaming up on Halloween night to pass out free glow sticks to help the little monsters be better seen, along with candy and loads of treats, plus some sage advice to avoid the tricks that could await the unwary.

When you go out trick or treating tomorrow night, you and your whole family are invited to make one of your first stops the lot behind the Boundary County Extension Office, where members of Boundary Volunteer Ambulance and North Bench Fire are going to be set up.

EMTs and firefighters will be out from 4:30 to 8:30 p.m., but it’s not likely they’ll be telling you anything about the tips above.

And if any of them suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior, such as hissing, developing a sudden fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness and so on, get away from them as fast as possible!